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Sep 27, 2012
09/12
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we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me so angry! (laughter) and i will do anything not to be going through the five stages! let's make a deal, god. i'm so sad. (laughter) well, nothing more i can do. (laughter) (cheers and applause) time to give in. time to just-- time to just give up. which i won't, because everything's fine! (laughter) mitt is going to win! and that is good, because, folks, the importance of this race cannot be overstated! >> the choice you face won't just be between two candidates or two parties, it will be a choice between two different paths for america. a choice between two fun
we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me...
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Sep 25, 2012
09/12
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romney has been doing himself any favors. sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go. >> reporter: matthew dowd a top strategist for president george w. bush said it almost feels like sarah palin is his foreign policy advisor. >> stephen: come on! sarah palin would be a great foreign policy advisor. to her, all policy is foreign. (laughter) and folks... yes. (applause) and to all those panty waste pundits who say that presidential politics should end at the water's edge and that mitt's foreign policy statement was a case of premature inauguration... (laughter) >> stephen: radio host and pillsbury doe dump rush limbaugh has an answer. >> we're only supposed to have one president now at times like this. well, we don't have one, unless romney speaks up. and that's the sad reality. >> stephen: yes. as far as rush and i are concerned mitt romney is our president. and that's the sad reality. and if president... if president romney does not defend america now, he will not
romney has been doing himself any favors. sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go. >> reporter: matthew dowd a top strategist for president george w. bush said it almost feels like sarah palin is his foreign policy advisor. >> stephen: come on! sarah palin would be a great foreign policy advisor. to her, all policy is foreign. (laughter) and folks... yes. (applause) and to all those panty waste pundits who say that...
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Sep 28, 2012
09/12
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and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these polls. >> i don't believe them because i think the sampling is probably skewed. >> it is clear that many of these polls are oversampling. >> the polls are skewed. >> i don't believe them. you can go through all the scientific goobledygook you like, i done believe them. >> yes, they're basing this all on scien particular goobledygook which is also the name of stuart vaughn's character in harry potter. professor poppycock goob el dee gook. (laughter) that's very hard to say without swallowing your own tongue. now luckily, folks, i've got my own source of polls. conservative blo
and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these...
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Sep 26, 2012
09/12
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but where this late in the campaign will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) tonight i am proud to introduce my new book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) it is fulle market principles and tonight in keeping with those principles my coverage of me talking about my own book is brought to you by burger king-- home of the "why don't you buy this book"? (laughter) folks, this is the complete conservative guiding principle that mitt needs on everything: jobs, health care, even the controversial practice of hydrofracking which i explain with the help of a cartoon farting dinosaur. (applause) but don't worry. it's not all that technical. and mitt romney, the first copy is yours! second copy is mine. (laughter) i can't wait to read it. now let me just inscribe this bad boy right here. okay. uh-huh. uh-huh. "to mitt, use this book to become president." (laughter) "just make me ambassador to middle earth. (cheers and applause) yours, stephen colbert." okay. put that
but where this late in the campaign will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) tonight i am proud to introduce my new book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) it is fulle market principles and tonight in keeping with those principles my coverage of me talking about my own book is brought to you by burger king-- home of the "why don't you buy this book"?...
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romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> stephen: great answer. (laughter) why-- (cheers and applause) great answer why is it a great answer? well, it would take me too long to explain but trust me t was a great answer. (laughter) besides the american people don't want to hear math. that's why ryan seacrest's top 40 countdown didn't catch on until they added so
romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for...
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Sep 25, 2012
09/12
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give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated, let me put it that way. i'm speaking off the cuff. but it's a message which i'm going to carry and continue to carry. >> stephen: of course, it's a message that he wants to carry. the only problem is that calling half of america mindless moochers wasn't said elegantly. (laughter) well, once again, i will fix the problem. i will now deliver mitt's core message for this time with a little more panache. (laughter) uh-huh. (laugh
give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything?...
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Sep 28, 2012
09/12
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(laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have plenty of prayers-- thank thanks to a new web site called 40daystosaveamerica.com. >> all around us we see a nation falling around us into attacks on religious liberty. we're asking pastors and congregations all over america to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. prayer plus fasting plus action equals change. >> stephen: that's amazing. because usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out. (laughter) now, the hero-- (applause) the hero behind this project is texas pastor rick scarborough who last august helped launch rick perry's pre
(laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have...
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Sep 27, 2012
09/12
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wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atone
wait a second, romney/ryan, romney/ryan. there we go, all right, that's great. thank you. >> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the...